Hey, I have a blog.

I can't remember the last time I posted...I mean, I could go back and look, but I'm in this window now and I like it here. There's a blinking cursor and inches to fill.

I still write in my paper journal almost daily. I wish it could be daily-daily but sometimes I sleep in unexpectedly-expected places without my journal, and sometimes I just...don't want to.

February makes me dissatisfied. At least, if I tell myself it's only the month, there's an end to the restlessness, the at-odds-with-everything-ness, the loneliness, the stressness, and all the other nesses that come with being 26 and uncertain of what I want to DO with myself, today or forever.

I feel like I'm spinning my wheels in every aspect of my life. Climbing, relationships, school, work...I can work my butt off and get nothing...or I can do nothing and get nothing. I'm tired of being told that I'm not good enough, not right enough, not whatever enough, not enough.

And I know that feeling sorry for myself does nothing but dig me deeper into this rut I find myself stuck in. But here I am, peeking over the edges and trying to decide if it's worth trying to climb out. If it's harder than V2 I'm screwed.

I'm smart, and I'm motivated, and I want to DO things and BE things but I find it progressively harder to understand exactly *how* to accomplish that. I say that I'm okay with failure because I've done it before, but who *wants* to be okay with failure? It doesn't make me any more employable, I don't think; all the good jobs go to people who are successful, because their grades are better and their hair looks nicer and they're on all the Boards and made Law Review and I'm just a mediocre girl who barely passed everything and can't seem to do well at the things I feel like I'm good at. Who has failed before. And should really keep a brush in her cubby.

And really, all of this self-conscious bullshit only happens on Wednesdays, and if someone could explain to me why that is, I'd really appreciate it. Because I hate knowing that the middle of the week always leaves me wanting to cry for any number of intangible reasons. Thursday will be better, I know it.

I haven't written here in over a year. I keep this thing up for communities only, really - I still write in a paper journal every day, thanks to embodiment, but for the most part I ignore this thing. Here's what I've been up to, in case anyone still cares:

- finishing my Master's thesis, the damn thing that has been plaguing me for the last 2 years. I'm happy about that.
- Starting UR Law school in the fall. Been pointing in that direction, more or less, since I was 12. About time.
- hanging out and making the most of life.
- Stage managing the face off of Maynooth's productions, whether the actors like it or not.
- Occasionally writing in this blog.

...yeah that's about it.

In case you wondered why I've not been writing much:

Thursday: Science Ball, pretty dress, dancing, laughing, good times, bad ending to a great night.

Friday: Painting flats for Remembering Rose, hanging lights for Superstar. Left Aula at 5:45am.

Saturday: Back in Aula for noonish, painted more flats, did some focus, dinner with some lovely actors, left around 4:45am.

Sunday: Aula from 2pm - 6am Monday. Finished painting, programmed like crazy. New friend. Good times.

Monday: Got home at 6, did laundry, read for a little bit, loaded up bus at 10, went to Limerick. Got annoyed a load-in time, did load-in anyway, ran Remembering Rose, got a less-than-stellar critique for the set, wasn't happy, drank on the bus home, some boys peed into a bottle, unloaded the bus into the Aula, home for 4am.

Tuesday: Slept in (!!) till 1pm, puttered around the house, did more laundry, got prettied up for Clubs & Socs, won an award, went for a pint with the Superstar crowd, bopped about the SU, got to sleep around 5am, possibly.

Wednesday: Alarm went off at 8. The reason why is not important. Got out of bed around half 9 for a shower, spent the day back and forth between Union, Library, and Aula for Endgame set. Was grumpy cuz nobody wanted to help out except three awesome people. Claire came from Dublin! Watched an Endgame rehearsal and had dinner in the Roost with Conor. Watched Superstar, was blown away by how talented my friends are. Struck the lights, had some booze, went to O'Neills for a shot, took Claire home, went back to Joe's place, sang through bits of the show, got home around 5.

Thursday: Up at 6 to take Claire to train station, begged out of meeting with Seamus, didn't get a hangover so was probably still drunk when I met the bus at 11 for Endgame, slept the way to Limerick (again), built the set, hung and programmed the lights, left the theatre at 8, had chinese, hung out in the hotel room until nearly 3.

Friday: Up at 6:30 for breakfast and Endgame. Ran the show, loved every second of it, my friends are so talented it amazes me, struck the show, loaded the bus, went home. Napped most of the day.

Now it's Saturday and I'm off to a party with the Superstar people because it's hard not seeing everyone everday. In the Aula. With the amazing moving lights. So that's me anyway. Thesis until 8, and all day tomorrow!

My skin smells like summer. Not like sweat or chlorine or the sea, but like summer. It's a sort of sunny, outside smell that I can't explain but you'd know it. You would.

I spent the afternoon in a kayak fort that I made with myself and Fran's boats; at right angles to each other they made a perfect desk and backrest. Did some thesis work while enjoying the sun, which came and went along with a not-unpleasantly chilly wind, and now the garden's all in shadow so I'm back inside, procrastinating my 3.5k essay on the figure of Isaac in the Hebrew Bible and Septaugint. My life has some proper ups and downs, I tell ya.

But my skin smells like summer and I hope it's like this tomorrow so I can sit outside again.

I am 24 years old, a respectably knowledgeable rock climber, kayaker, musician, and theatre technician. I have a Bachelor's Degree and am a few months away from earning a Master's. I have lived on my own in three states and two countries, and I have a successful and lively social life.

All that said, the absolute jewel in the crown of my accomplishments was being able to print, copy double-sided, and cut forty posters for 'The Drowned World' which is closing tonight. Sometimes I worry about my standards.

Other than that, in the last six weeks I've been fairly busy. Here's what I've done:

Moved back to Maynooth. Broke up with my boyfriend. Ran an event that made over 900 euro. Played on a polo squad that took 2nd in the Intervarsities. Designed and lit a mainstage play that made over 800 euro. Ran a campaign. Lost an election. Directed a play. Lit that and two other plays. Did some thesis work. Got yelled at by my advisor. Got back together with my boyfriend. Had a few pints. Had a migraine. Saw 'Watchmen'. Wrote a 7,000 word essay. I think that's pretty much it.

And my room is a mess and my mom has bought heeled crocs for herself and it's a bit of madness.

Oh, and I went to the Inauguration yesterday. It was crowded. I promised I wasn't going to say anything political but I will say this:

I don't care who you are, what you believe, how you voted, and so on, but there is no, not one, not even the tiniest reason to boo or to sing that 'na na na na hey hey hey goodbye' song when they introduce the President of the United States. Compared to Clinton, W Bush made a discreet, respectful, quiet departure from office, took one last tour around DC in Marine One (which I found rather poignant, to be honest) and had a quiet, private ceremony for his supporters at Andrew's. He gave Obama a hug and told him he'd done a wonderful job. And I didn't vote for him, and I don't support everything he did, but I do believe that he has knowledge far and away beyond anything any of us will ever have, that he did what he felt was best when he felt it was best, and y'know what? There are a lot of people that hate us out there - not Bush, not Republicans, US - Americans, white people, Christians, non-Muslims, people who are pro-choice, whatever - WE are hated, and WE are attacked...but not in the last seven years. So say what you will, I'll probably ignore you and not debate you because debating politics is a waste of everyone's time unless you're running for election, but that's how I felt about yesterday.

Oh, and this amused me because even old people can snub each other in front of millions of people. Something to look forward to!

The first non-link line from every month. It's never as exciting as it might be.

January: In other news, I'm old.
February: Been forsaking LJ for the pirate journal of doom. I did this today, and it excites me:
March: Someone that I was fairly convinced I could have fallen completely in love with is married.
April: Accelerate: First impression (need to give it a real listen at some point):
May: Show's over, lectures are mostly over, new relationship just starting, new friendships kicking off spectacularly, new positions for next year (exec ones, pervert), hopefully some changes and some things staying the same.
June: Back from Kerry and my room seems very small.
July: There's a guy who works at the Chesterfield Barnes & Noble, think he's a manager or something, and he's gorgeous.
August: Is anyone else having problems with the new version of iTunes? Mine likes to give me the pretty spinning wheel of doom a lot.
September: 01) Are you currently in a serious relationship?
October: They started selling tickets for the Halloween Bar-ex today.
November: Things about my NaNo 2k8 novel, in case you cared:
December: Hillary's new tattoo is gorgeous and says this and I wanted somewhere safe to keep it.

As a point of trivia, I have only written 57 times in 2008. There's been paper journaling, but that fell off towards the end of the summer and I've utterly lost my grove. Maybe next year.

Hillary's new tattoo is gorgeous and says this and I wanted somewhere safe to keep it.

I go to college here.

Things about my NaNo 2k8 novel, in case you cared:

No idea what genre it is. Not quite Lit Fic (not enough...meaning to be truly literary, I think), and it involves some fantastic elements, but it's not really fantasy in the tradition sense (she can't usually fly...), but calling it 'mainstream fiction' seems to be cheating a little. It's just Book for now.

Written first person, from the point of view of Ben (short for Benedict, because I can), a 27-year-old freelance writer who's a lot like me (shockingly). I'll either make him the girliest man ever or get more in touch with my masculine side to write him well. Be afraid.

2727 tonight, and the least realistic breakup scene...ever. I also forgot that *he* was supposed to throw *her* out. So I'm not sure how this is going to play out with the rest of my plot. Of course 'the rest of my plot' only goes into the next day, so it won't be that far-reaching a change.

My house is full of wasps. wtf dude.

I wrote this once:

"Last night I dreamed that I kissed a boy. And it was a wonderful boy and a wonderful kiss, and I can't shake the boy or the kiss from my thoughts, not at all, not even hours after waking, not in the slightest bit."

Months and months later, I still catch glimpses of that dream, of that feeling, and I've kissed that boy for real since then, and it was almost as good as the dream - because nothing can ever be as good as a dream, or can it? - and it makes me smile just thinking about it, his kiss in my dreams and his kiss on my lips, and I suppose that dreams can come true, in some small ways, in some small times.

Don't ask me who I'm voting for; I'll just tell you Stephen Colbert. I think I've decided, I don't think it will matter, and I don't expect you to see my side. That's the point of politics, one man one vote, so leave well enough alone and let's talk about something else.

They started selling tickets for the Halloween Bar-ex today. It's next Wednesday, because the week after is Study Week and I don't know about you, but having a student party without students is kind of lame. What with Halloween being the last day in October and all, it reminded me that the following month, November, is just around the corner. And with November comes NaNoWriMo, and I've finally got a very vague premise and I'm not entirely sure what's going to HAPPEN but I've got another chick with wings (less badass than last year, though) and I'm sure it won't get finished. But I'll hit 50k, because that's what I do. And I'll finish The Settled someday.

And thinking about November brought be around, as it often does, to thinking about the fact that the year's nearly over. Working in retail this summer made me more susceptible to looking at the year in quarters, and we're well into the fourth quarter. The hotdog and beer vendors are starting to roll down their shutters and count the drawer out. I've a quiz in ancient greek in about eight and a half hours, so I'm not going to chronicle the last few weeks of my life, but there are some things worth noting, in that beginning-of-the-end-of-the-year kind of way.

I moved back to Ireland last week. And it feels good to be back. School will keep me busy, both academically and extracurricularly. I'm pretty sure I'm happy with that. Ask me again at the midterm break. The people are, by and large, the same; one of the benefits of a country this small is that even if you moved clear across it after graduation, you're still only a few hours away. And the key players, it seems, are almost universally still here. I'm living in a nice house in a too-nice estate slightly south of Maynooth's main street, about ten minutes from campus at the speed I walk. Fran and Ronnie and Pete are all here too...or will be, when they come home to go to bed. I left the pub early to study a little before the debate comes on at 2. I'll study later. Life here is good. I have a tiny room but space to fly downstairs; a couch to stretch out on and a kitchen to move in and friends to laugh with when we're in the house together. It's good.

Classes are. I'm taking Greek (again) and I'm very bad at it. Hebrew I'm better at, but it's a more advanced class and I'm lagging badly. My seminar course looks interesting and is taught by a lecturer who I've never had for class but hung out with last May in the postgrad room and enjoyed his company. And, of course, the obligatory thesis reading. 25,000 words, or half of a NaNo novel, by sometime next spring. I'm scared, but excited, too. It's a huge academic achievement, and as soon as I'm more certain of my topic, I'm looking forward to tackling it. Really.

Clubs and Socs are also. I'm on the committee for MUCK and Drama, which is a result of an all-consuming desire to run everything I am a part of and a less-consuming-but-ever-present tendency to get drunk and make poor choices. I'm thrilled about both of my jobs, but it will take my time and eat it right up. It will. But I'm teaching tech, and I'm designing shows, and I'm working with fun, motivated, talented people, which is more than I could say at Trinity. I think I'll always find theatre in my life. It's just who I am.

People are the most of all. I love the people here; in a cultural sense, sure, but the friends I have are some of the most interesting, creative, genuine people I've encountered, anywhere. You get what you see, but you see some amazing things, and I'd not trade this for anything.

I want, at some point, to write-write. Eoin wrote a play, submitted it to the First Timer's Festival, and I'll be auditioning for it (and five others, as is the nature of a festival) tomorrow night. He's beside himself, and I couldn't be happier for him - while I can't say I know how amazing it feels to do something like that, I know how it feels to want something like that, and I can almost imagine what it's like to achieve it. I've not properly written in a long time, and I miss it. I think I'm stalling because I need to write about Reid. I promised Carter I would, and I will, but I think I keep hoping that the further I get from it the less it will hurt. It hasn't worked out that way yet. Maybe tomorrow.

Koude is dropping off my radar too, which is sad, because I loved what I had there. I'll make an effort, when I get the time. When I get the motivation. When I get...I don't know what it's going to take.

And NaNo will get the fingers moving, but I don't know how much good that will do me. NaNo's not about art, it's about productivity. And I do it because it's an exercise, and I'm occasionally surprised to find that I write some beautiful things, but rarely. And less and less, it seems, as years go on.

So I'm utterly happy and scorchingly dissatisfied all at the same time, you see. I'm an enigma wrapped in a mystery wrapped in bacon. I can't believe it's only Wednesday. My week looked like this:

Monday: lecture at 11, meeting with advisor at 2, put up posters for my workshop, field trip to Liffey Valley (okay, I didn't HAVE to do that, but it was fun), Drama committee meeting, Muck training (I just popped in to say hi), Film Soc screening (this is where the fun stuff starts), pub, pub, sleep.

Tuesday: staggered onto campus a little before 2. With a headache. Lunch with Simon and Paul, who turned my bag inside out while I was in the toilet. Skipped Hebrew 'cuz I felt like crap. Ambled home, put in a load of laundry, went to Muck meeting, went to various and sundry Drama events (Writer's Circle, director's meeting for First Timer's) and ran a Tech Workshop (which was more like a lecture) on Set Design. I want to write about them for real at some point, because if they work, they will be the single greatest achievement of my willpower in my short life. Went to a readthrough of Luke's show to get a better sense of it (I never get the gist of plays when I just read them). Ambled home with Eoin to watch a movie because it was too early for bed.

Wednesday: got to campus around 12, after doing a variety of odd things around the house. Failed to meet with my lecturer, found myself in the lads' office in the SU. Did some stuff there (I'm not totally unproductive). Had coffee with Ronnie, got wet leaving JH, decided not to walk home, chilled in the office until Ronnie was ready to leave. Made dinner, went out to Muck training, again did not get in the pool, met with Luke to nail down some design stuff, sat with some folk in the Roost, sat with some folk in Brady's, came home, updated my LJ.

Thursday (tomorrow): watch the debate at 2am and drink one or two of the Sam Adams I bought today. Study for Greek. Take Greek test. Meet lecturer sometime after 11:30. Go do an improv thing somewhere at 1. Maybe do some paddling after. Light Design workshop at 7. No idea what comes after that, but I hope it involves friends.

Friday: Mentally prepare myself for a weekend without housemates. The crazy's going to come out if I'm not careful, and it scares me. My do-me list for the weekend is huge, but I'm almost looking forward to getting a lot done. Let's see how it goes.

Great week, great things ahead. It's not perfect, but where's the fun in perfection?

Watch this.

01) Are you currently in a serious relationship?
02) What was your dream growing up?
03) What talent do you wish you had?
04) If I bought you a drink what would it be?
05) Favorite vegetable?
06) What was the last book you read?
07) What zodiac sign are you?
08) Any Tattoos and/or Piercings? Explain where.
09) Worst Habit?
10) If you saw me walking down the street would you offer me a ride?
11) What is your favorite sport?
12) Do you have a Pessimistic or Optimistic attitude?
13) What would you do if you were stuck in an elevator with me?
14) Worst thing to ever happen to you?
15) Tell me one weird fact about you.
16) Do you have any pets?
17) What if I showed up at your house unexpectedly?
18) What was your first impression of me?
19) Do you think clowns are cute or scary?
20) If you could change one thing about how you look, what would it be?
21) Would you be my crime partner or my conscience?
22) What color eyes do you have?
23) Ever been arrested?
24) Bottle or can soda?
25) If you won $10,000 today, what would you do with it?
27) What's your favorite place to hang out at?
28) Do you believe in ghosts?
29) Favorite thing to do in your spare time?
30) Do you swear a lot?
31) Biggest pet peeve?
32) In one word, how would you describe yourself?
33) Do you believe/appreciate romance?
34) Favourite and least favourite food?
35) Do you believe in God?
36) Will you repost this so I can fill it out and do the same for you?

( my answers )

I sent a 5.11+ on Saturday. And I know that to most of you, that doesn't mean a whole lot. And while I've never been any kind of a grade-whore, it means a lot to me. I've been working it for some time...five weeks, about. It's an overhung climb with lots of pinches on the bottom and crimps and slopers on the top. I'd fall at the top on those crimps, just run out of gas or mess up the foot beta or something, and I don't know if I could do it again, but I did it once.

It's my hardest send in seven years of climbing, and I've never been stronger. I'm still not leading, but I need to. I'm tired of being scared. I'm almost ashamed; I should be stronger. Should be better. Should be, should be. Am not yet, maybe tomorrow. It's a hard eleven, and even if I'm not quite flashing them yet, it's in my reach. For the first time in seven years of this sport, albeit on and off years, I'm close to being a 5.12 climber. It's been on my life's to-do list for at least four of those seven years, but always seemed out of reach. Now it's not; it's something that *I can do,* and something that I can do without an exceptional amount of work. Climbing has never been a chore for me; it's always been fun, always been a challenge, and now I'm as strong as I've ever been, and it's exhilarating.

Of course, I'm going to lose it all when I go back to Maynooth; I intend to spend lots of time not eating due to stress and hanging out at the gym and pool. I don't want to backtrack down to 8s, don't want to feel soft and weak. I'll lose my calluses and forearms, sure, but I'll keep my technique and my drive. It's something I can do now; I know it. In a little over three months I got it all back. It's all in here, I just need to get to it.

Now, on to leading.

Is anyone else having problems with the new version of iTunes? Mine likes to give me the pretty spinning wheel of doom a lot.

Like, all but two times I've tried to open it since I updated.

Is it just me?

Re: previous entry. I decided to take the high road for now and deal with it on paper. If you want to know, ask.

I got my report card from Maynooth today. I assume I did well, although it's marked out of 120 and there's no letter equivalents, so I honestly have no earthly idea how I *really* did. They didn't include of one of those 'you fuckass, stop failing' letters, so I'm fairly certain I'm still welcome back next fall. Also, I just registered for the LSAT in October. It's for-serious now. I suppose I should make up some sort of study schedule, keep myself honest. Or at least less useless.

Tomorrow's my marathon day at Peak. Work 9:30-3, hour break, Routesetter Climb Time 4-6, teach a Women Who Rock clinic 6:30-7:30ish, and then climb until they close or something more exciting happens. It never feels like 12+ hours. It just feels like chillin out at home. It's exactly where I want to be on Tuesdays. Most days, really.

This is a placeholder until I decide if I want to share my feelings with the vast, anonymous expanse of the Internet.

And until I can think about this without crying.

Wall-E = cute, slightly saccharine fun. Challenge:

"Define: Earth."

Go.

Sitting on the back of the car, leaning back, looking up at the stars we could see through the shine of parking-lot lights, swinging our feet, talking about anything that came to mind, smiling and laughing and sharing and side by side, cicadas singing out of sight, two friends on a just-a-little-chilly July evening.

"You'd better write," he told me. "You talk about it enough."

I do. I sort of do. I do sometimes, and I love it when I really write. I don't do it enough. I really should. It makes me whole.